Monday, October 1, 2018

There's a fine line

There's a fine line between curious and nosy.

I was recently taking my two-mile neighborhood walk when a young man approached me from the opposite direction, nearing the end of his own walk. He had passed me earlier, and this time I said, "You're a faster walker than me." We exchanged a few inconsequential remarks and then he said, "May I walk with you for a bit?" I thought it was a little unusual, since it would mean retracing his steps, but I said sure.

We walked half a mile together. I asked him about his job and he said he works with preverbal autistic kids. I was curious. I asked at what point a preverbal kid becomes a nonverbal one. He said that was an interesting question, and we talked then about how kids can learn a new language quite easily until they are about twelve. He said that's about when the preverbal/nonverbal distinction is made. We wondered if there is some kind of neural significance to that, or whether it's just a coincidence.

It wasn't a typical walking chat, but it was unusually interesting. We covered several other topics. Our mutual curiosity kept the conversation going. I asked him what his ideal job would be. He said, "Training service animals. When an autistic person goes from one room to another, it can look like a whole new world. A service animal is a familiar comfort." I found out he had moved here a couple of years ago from a southern state. I'm pretty sure it wasn't for the job, but he didn't say, and I didn't ask. I did ask if there was someone special in his life, and he said, "Not right now." Again, he didn't say anything more, and I didn't ask.

My experience has been that if I ask an open-ended question, the other person will say what they want to say. It may be quite a long story. Or it may be only a few words. I honor their choice.

When we got to my street, we stood at the intersection for a few minutes to finish up our chat. We introduced ourselves and I gave him a hug. "Good bye, Jay. Thanks for the walk." He said, "Thank you, Linda."

I haven't seen him since.

I've had a few other conversations recently where a person responded in some length to an open-ended question of mine. And, a couple of times, someone needed to talk and I happened to be there to listen. In those cases, I don't ask questions. I just listen. I'm still curious, but I know they're only telling me what they need to say. Sometimes I never hear the rest of the story, or any outcome. And that's okay.

Like I said, there's a fine line between curious and nosy.

12 comments:

Linda Reeder said...

Interesting. I fear I am a person who wants to know more, not to be nosy, but just because I am curious about people's stories.

Joared said...

You have found the fine line I’ve often found myself practicing in conversation with another which can be very significant in others lives, I think. Your communication with your walking partner sounds interesting. FWIW, research has shown (the last I knew) that generally speaking, learning an additional language is easier up to the age of puberty. Typicallly, after that acquiring another language(s) can be more difficult, occurs differently in the brain.
,

Olga said...

I can't imagine having a conversation like that with someone I don't know. I am always amazed and slightly envious of anyone who can ask questions and start up conversations in any circumstance.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

A good listener is a joy to have. Maybe you will see Jay again, maybe you won't but I have a feeling that you were just what he needed that day.

#1Nana said...

I never thought of you as nosey, just present. Your gift is that you listen without judgement. You are a role model for me...too bad I'm a slow learner!

Arkansas Patti said...

Your mediator skills worked quite well. You were not nosy and just showing interest. A very flattering thing to do.

Tom said...

I always thought the difference was: when YOU ask questions YOU'RE being nosy; when I ask questions I'M being curious. But I think your approach is much better. So I'll be asking more open-ended questions ... and listening more too.

obscure said...

I call those drive-by connections, and they're my favorite ;)

JudyC said...

I enjoy "drive-by connections" and have them quite often. Sometimes quick ones waiting in line and sometimes lengthy ones as in a waiting room. Some have led to further encounters but most are just one-time occurrences. It is sort of a hobby, I guess. Although, yours does seem unusual. Perhaps he was a bit lonely.

retirementreflections said...

Hi, Linda - Being a great listener is a well-honed art. It sounds like you have an exceptional talent in this area.

Chris Loehmer Kincaid said...

I have a hard time starting a conversation with someone I don't know. Shoot, sometimes I can't even carry on a conversation with someone I know. Which is a shame, because I love hearing the stories of other people. I think I just come across as - in the words of a former manager - unapproachable. I don't mean to be that way, I guess it just is what it is.

I'm glad you had a nice conversation with this man. Hope you see him again some day.

Sally Wessely said...

Interesting. You have a way of bringing out conversation in most people. I don’t ever think of you as nosey. You are interested and interesting. You also have great social skills. You come across as someone others can trust. This makes you a great listener, and I would guess most people open up to you and tell you more than they tell most.